One of the more challenging things for me is sitting in the space between where I see what I want to be, yet find myself miles away. This is especially true when I am circled in my own triggers, resentments and insecurities. As I work on my own inner healing, I have to trust in a God who is with me in this space. “Where could I run from your Spirit? Where could I flee from your presence?” Psalm 139:7.
Last year, I started an intentional meditation practice. I began doing a loving kindness and forgiveness mediation in the morning to bring more awareness to my own suffering and that of others. To bring to mind that which blocks me from loving myself and others. I have seen a shift where I can see more clearly the common struggles which gets me out of my own sense of isolation. “Allow you to embrace yourself with forgiveness. Let yourself be loved. Let yourself be love.” (Stephen Levine). This was extremely helpful for me in sitting with feelings that come up in my father’s declining health and in conflicts in relationships that come up with Covid and other challenges in life. The meditations open my heart and I felt connected with God and the universe in a deeper way. Sometimes during the meditation, I couldn’t be present and this also showed me that I was in a tough place and being gentle with myself would be important.
When my father passed away about a month ago, I wasn’t really sure how to process the grief. It is complicated and I don’t always know how to touch the places that feel numb. I was able to be with him during the last few months on hospice and with him when he took his last breath. This was healing, hearing him say “I love you” and me voicing the same. I was able to enter a place of deeper intimacy. After his death, I listened to hymns and went through photos. Music has a way of taking me to the heart. I focused on a mercy meditation and started playing a song in my car on forgiveness. I have found playing a song on repeat, allows it to ring in my head all day, which is a powerful healing tool. The song “Losing” by Tenth Avenue North has been playing in my car since his death. I pray for forgiveness for myself and others. “Oh Father, give me grace to forgive them cause I feel like the one losin”….”This is love or this is hate…We gotta choice to make”
I see how my own resentments just keep me lost, and in anger that often comes out towards those I love. Forgiveness is really about letting go of the the pain I carry as best as I can so I can love others. It allows me to change more freely when I love myself and I am more apt to be effective in making change when I look at my own pain directly and use it to connect with others.
I am grateful for a God who is wanting to bring healing in the space between. That sits with me when I don’t like my feelings or my actions, who forgives me, so I can open the doors for others. I pray this love can help me reach out to others, often the the harder the fall, the greater the need for self forgiveness, all of us need this and is what makes the closest relationships possible. “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and eat with him, and he with me.” Rev 3:20
In God’s grace,
Elissa Noble, Office Manager
