As much as I wish to fully embrace the Christmas season, I find as much sorrow in the Holiday as I find joy. I can feel internal pressure to feel and act a certain way that doesn’t always match my state of being. The expectations of being loving, building 
precious memories, having enough money, and seeing everyone I care about can be overwhelming at times, especially when I compare to what I think others are doing. I can believe that I am inadequate, different, or missing the mark somehow. Add the spiritual pressures, and I can think that somehow my God isn’t taking care of me. Often the Holiday can appear to be a Holiday meant for the privileged. Those with a large family, good health, money to spend and beautiful homes decorated with all the festivities and smell of Christmas cookies. It is easy to get lost in what I am supposed to be and sometimes miss the greater meaning.
Earlier this year, I remember in a moment of despair praying “I just want to be happy”. I felt exhausted trying to handle my own emotions, physical pain and fatigue, and keeping up with the priorities in my life. It was hard for me to understand how regardless of how often I prayed and sought my God, the struggle seemed to continue and my underlying anxiety wasn’t lifted. I wanted to believe that if I did the right things and connected with God, that life would at least internally get easier.
Fortunately there are many moments in which I can find joy. When I have heard happy news – prayers being answered, friends calling at the right time, spiritual and relational connections, I can do a happy dance. Sometimes the joy is over the simple things, such as making a good shot in a racquetball game, seeing my team win, a great cup of coffee, or finding my way when I am lost. This year alone I recognize the gifts – a new job, financial gifts from friends, free books, walks in nature, two wonderful daughters that continue to amaze me, less pain with my Purple mattress and friends getting sober. I am grateful that I see the blessings, and how they become interwoven in my story and God’s plan for my life.
The truth is the joy I find in the Spirit and with my Savior is there when I am grieving losses AND experiences the blessings of life. Often the two are intertwined with my God in the middle of the complexities of my circumstances. I can find my God’s love when I take in the presence, and the Spirit’s wisdom to get me through my day. I can have hope as I continue to bring my concerns and brokenness before my Savior, that healing comes. In the midst of the struggles, I find joy in connecting with others and my God and looking for the gold that is in this path. The joy of the Savior isn’t denying the heartache around me, but seeing that sometimes I need to just stop and grieve my losses and receive grace and compassion that is waiting for me – through a book, nature, a sermon, the Bible, a friend, or the gentle whisper of God.
The Christmas story as I understand it is about a young mother giving birth during many unknowns and hardships. She lost her reputation as being an unwed mother, and perhaps lost many friends and family members. I don’t know much about her extended family as they are absent in the Biblical accounts, and don’t appear to be part of the story. There was no mention of support (or planning) for their journey to Jerusalem or when giving birth to Jesus as He was born with the animals. The Shepherds are the ones who the Lord brought to see Him in the Manger. She put her trust in Joseph and the messages of God and angels, in spite of her circumstances. After Jesus’ birth things went from hard, to much greater horror as Herod the Great, king of Judea, orders the execution of all male children two years old and under in the vicinity of Bethlehem. As she is celebrating the birth of the Savior, others are devastated to have their newborn babies killed. Grief and hope are webbed into the story.
Today, I hope that I can rest assured of the real joy that is in the Christmas story. A joy that can’t be shaken by circumstances, and isn’t about what my feelings are in the moment. It is based on the truth of the Savior, the Gift of Jesus, and a Faith in what is not always seen. Though I many not understand all of the sadness, death and suffering in this world, the Christmas story brings a Savior to Worship, a God to be praised, a joy like no other. The unexpected happens – God brings people into the story that I could never imagine, to bring a miracle for us all.
